Bottom 10: Where even when we lose, we have a blast

Inspirational thought of the week:

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
Six feet under screams, but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you?
'Cause there's a spark in you
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

'Cause baby, you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky

-- "Firework," Katy Perry

Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located beneath the 6-foot tall pile of pierogi crusts left by the "College GameDay" crew after last week's show in Pittsburgh, we believe that it is important to celebrate all life's victories, whether those triumphs be large or be they small.

Won a national title? Hoist that big gold Eye of Sauron-looking trophy and savor the moment.

Won a Heisman Trophy? Hug that bronze stiff-armed man, load him in the car and drive him around with you to take selfies with people on the street, la 1980 winner George Rogers.

Kicked a field goal with 6:13 remaining in your inevitable 14th consecutive loss that cut the lead from 45-0 to 45-3? Push the ignition button on a trunk load of fireworks that you've had sitting behind the scoreboard all fall because it's your penultimate home game of the year and New England is about to be shrouded in single-digit temps for the next four months and that TNT is going to become frozen and useless if you don't use it right now because fireworks are expensive and you draw 6,000 people per game (paid attendance) and you can't afford to waste the cash.

With apologies to former Nevada running back Spencer Firebaugh, Mississippi State lineman Luke Work, Rutgers DB Davoun Fuse and Steve Harvey, here's the post-Week 12 Bottom 10 rankings.

1. UMess (0-11)

The Minuetmen rolled west to Ohio for Tuesday Night (Sort of) Football, where they were Bobbed by the Cats to remain the nation's only winless team, as well as the first to reach 11 losses. One week from now they will finish the season with another Tuesday throwdown, a visit from Boiling Green, which is currently 3-7. Should UMass gift us with a pre-Thanksgiving victory, then I say it should set off all the fireworks it can find, including emergency boat flares and all the too-frozen turkeys that all our too-drunk uncles will spend the next week dropping into fryers and burning their houses down.

2. Muddled Tennessee State (1-9)

In the past whenever a Middle Tennessee State team found itself struggling through a season, it could point up the road to Vandy and Tennessee Tech and say, "Well, at least we aren't like those losers!" This year the Blue Raiders can't even do that, as they roll into the Pillow Fight Of The Week But Not Of The Year Like We Thought It Was Going To Be. Why isn't it what we thought it was going to be? Keep reading.

3. Charlotte 1-and-9ers (1-9)

The Niners became the 1-and-9ers after losing to the Artists Formerly Known as R.O.C.K. in the UTSA. Now they travel to Georgia, where they will receive a UGA-record nonconference payout of $1.9 million for making the trip. As Niners grad John McCurdy wrote on UNCC Football's official Facebook page: "At least we're first in something :-)"

4. Georgia State Not Southern (1-9)

I recently received an angry social media post from someone saying that I should be more supportive of the Panthers because their head coach is a McGee. For the record, I do support all McGees, including State head coach Dell. Well, OK, not all McGees. That reporter who followed Bruce Banner all over the place with Hulk questions, that dude made me angry. And you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

5. The Coveted Group of 5 Spot

I love the non-Autonomous 5. I hear their complaints about lack of respect. But then, every single time a ranked Group of 5 team has stood on the doorstep of the 2025 College Football Playoff, it manages to close that door on its own fingers. Watching these guys try to hang on to the lower rungs of the Top 25 is like watching Navy plebes when they have to climb that greased obelisk on campus. And that metaphor totally works because the Midshipmen are one of those teams, losing at North Texas to spoil an undefeated season, then turning around and spoiling the CFP dreams of South Florida last weekend.

6. Bah-stan Cawledge (1-10)

Speaking of CFP slippage, the Golden Beagles had #goacc leaders Georgia Tech on the Coveted Fifth Spot precipice before surrendering 19 points in the fourth quarter and losing via a field goal with 11 seconds remaining, joining in-state roomies UMass as the nation's only double-digit loss teams. Meanwhile, South Carolina fans are sitting up from the floor, reading about that collapse and saying, "Is that all?!" then downing another shot of mustard BBQ sauce flavored moonshine and returning to the fetal position.

7. Ughlahoma State (1-9)

Even when a season goes south, it's great to know that a team can still lean on the bedrock of college football: Classic regional rivalries that have been played for generations. You know, like Oklahoma State traveling to UCF.

8. Oregon Trail State (You have died of dysentery) (2-9)

The Beavs have created quite the tumbler of Bottom 10 conundrums. They started 0-6 to seize the top bottom spot. Then they won two in a row, including an upset of fellow 2Pac member Warshington State. Then they lost two in a row, first falling to the then-second ranked Bottom 10 team, aka the next team in these current rankings, and last weekend to then-Bottom 10 Wait Listers Living on Tulsa Time. Now they face the Fightin' Byes of Open Date U. before an in-season rematch with, yes, Warshington State. The actual Oregon Trail was a smoother ride.

9. Sam Houston, We Have a Problem (2-8)

Kurious about the earlier komment koncerning the Pillow Fight Of The Week But Not Of The Year Like We Thought It Was Going To Be? That's bekause the Bearkats kast a kink into the effekt of this klash by winning konsekutive kontests. But that still kouldn't kompletely katapult them from these rankings.

10. UTEPid (2-8)